167 (Sarcastic And) Funny Answers To “What Do You Do?”

Jyoti Choudhary

When someone asks What do you do? they're generally expecting a concise, formal reply.

It's a commonly asked question that usually leads to the most mundane conversation.

But what if we flipped the script and replied with something unexpected? Something funny, something sarcastic? Imagine the priceless expression on their faces.

This blog post aims to provide you with some humorous and sassy responses to spice up that old-fashioned question.

Professional Procrastinator

  1. I specialize in the art of delaying the inevitable. 😏
  2. I'm in charge of perfecting the fine balance between coffee breaks and staring at blank screens. ☕️
  3. My job involves mastering the art of looking busy while doing absolutely nothing. 🤹‍♂️
  4. I'm a professional at hitting the snooze button and ignoring deadlines. ⏰
  5. I excel in the field of finding creative distractions when work calls. 🎨
  6. I'm an expert at convincing myself that tomorrow will be a more productive day. 🤷‍♂️
  7. My role revolves around strategically avoiding productivity at all costs. 🚫💼
  8. I'm dedicated to the noble cause of putting off tasks until the last possible moment. 🦸‍♂️
  9. I specialize in the fine art of making to-do lists and promptly ignoring them. 📝
  10. My profession involves perfecting the skill of turning a five-minute task into a five-hour ordeal. ⏳
  11. I'm committed to the rigorous practice of postponing responsibilities with flair. 💃
  12. My job description includes embracing procrastination as a lifestyle choice. 🌟
  13. I'm an expert at delegating tasks to my future self, who is miraculously more motivated. 🤔
  14. I'm professionally trained to justify procrastination as a form of self-care. 💆‍♂️
  15. I excel in the field of finding excuses to delay the inevitable. 🙅‍♂️
  16. I'm a master of the art of browsing social media under the guise of research. 📱
  17. My profession involves the delicate balance of avoiding work without getting caught. 🕵️‍♂️
  18. I'm dedicated to exploring the depths of distraction while pretending to be productive. 🚀
  19. I specialize in procrastinating so effectively that I've convinced myself it's a talent. 🎭
  20. My job revolves around meticulously planning to start tasks tomorrow. 📅
  21. I'm an expert at turning procrastination into an Olympic sport. 🥇

So next time someone asks what I do, they better be ready for the brutally honest, sarcasm-laden truth: I'm a Professional Procrastinator.

And proud of it!

Full-Time Ninja

  1. I spend my days perfecting my stealth mode and my nights... also perfecting my stealth mode. 🗡️
  2. I'm a professional shadow dancer, specializing in disappearing acts. 💃
  3. My job is to make sure that when you blink, you miss me. 😎
  4. I'm in charge of the covert operations department of the Association of Extremely Sneaky People. 🕵️‍♂️
  5. My office is wherever darkness lurks and mystery abounds. 🌑
  6. I'm a certified master of the art of disappearing at inconvenient moments. 🎩
  7. I specialize in the ancient martial art of “Hiding in Plain Sight.” 🤫
  8. My main duty is to keep the world safe from overused clichés. 🌎
  9. I'm a professional evader of awkward conversations and unwanted responsibilities. 🙅‍♂️
  10. I'm an expert in the fine art of avoiding office meetings and dodging deadlines. ⏰
  11. My primary role is to be the silent hero who nobody knows exists... or cares about. 🦸‍♂️
  12. I'm the guy who always manages to slip away just before the bill arrives. 💸
  13. My profession involves making sure my enemies never know what hit them... because they never see me coming. ⚔️
  14. I specialize in the noble pursuit of procrastination and the avoidance of adulting. 🛌
  15. I'm a professional daydreamer with a black belt in nap-taking. 💤
  16. My job description includes being a professional excuse-maker and a part-time ghost. 👻
  17. I'm an expert in the strategic deployment of sarcasm and wit in times of crisis. 💬
  18. My role is to be the embodiment of every parent's nightmare: the elusive I told you so ghost. 👻
  19. I'm the guy who knows where all the best hiding spots are in any given situation. 🤐
  20. My job involves mastering the ancient art of Ninjutsu: Avoiding Responsibilities Edition. 📚
  21. I'm a professional at walking into rooms and forgetting why I'm there. 🚶‍♂️

So, the next time someone casually throws the What do you do? question at you, remember to toss them a ninja smoke bomb of sarcasm.

Let them scratch their heads and wonder if they just met a real-life ninja.

A Part-Time Secret Agent

  1. Oh, you know, just casually saving the world between coffee breaks. ☕️
  2. I specialize in covert operations... like finding the TV remote. 🔍
  3. My job? Well, I'm basically James Bond... with a part-time contract. 🕵️‍♂️
  4. I'm the one who keeps tabs on the neighborhood gossip... and occasionally foils evil plots. 🕵️‍♀️
  5. Ever seen those spy movies? Yeah, I'm the guy they call when the main character needs backup. 🎥
  6. My business card says Secret Agent, but my paycheck says Barista. 💼
  7. I'm like Batman, but with more paperwork and fewer abs. 🦇
  8. When I'm not saving the world, I'm probably binge-watching Netflix. 📺
  9. I specialize in undercover work... like pretending to understand taxes. 💼
  10. Let's just say my LinkedIn profile is a bit... classified. 🔒
  11. My job description includes fighting crime and making a killer latte. ☕️
  12. I'm basically a superhero, but without the cape... or the cool gadgets. 🦸‍♂️
  13. I excel in espionage... especially when it comes to avoiding my landlord. 🏠
  14. You know those spy movies where they have all the cool gadgets? Yeah, I'm the guy who fixes them when they break. 🔧
  15. My resume? Oh, just your typical mix of espionage and dog walking. 🐕
  16. My job involves a lot of stealth... mostly because I'm trying to avoid my boss. 🤫
  17. I'm like Sherlock Holmes, but with a side gig as a dog walker. 🐾
  18. My job is all about blending in... which explains why I'm always mistaken for the janitor. 🧹
  19. You ever watch those spy movies and wonder who does all the paperwork? That's me. 📝
  20. My day job? Oh, you know, just your average mix of international intrigue and office coffee runs. ☕️🌐
  21. When people ask what I do, I usually just reply with a mysterious smirk. 😏

Certified Couch Potato

  1. Professional Netflix marathoner 📺
  2. Chief Snack Connoisseur 🍿
  3. Expert Pillow Fluffer 💤
  4. Master of Remote Control Juggling 🎮
  5. CEO of Blanket Burrito Enterprises 🌯
  6. Head of Indoor Sunbathing Operations 🌞
  7. Top-tier Couch Cushion Archaeologist 🛋️
  8. Supreme Nap Strategist 💤
  9. Captain of the Lazy Brigade ⚓
  10. Chair Chilling Champion 🪑
  11. Director of Comfort Research and Development 🛋️
  12. Executive Vice President of Procrastination 📅
  13. Principal Lounge Lizard 🦎
  14. Sultan of Sofa Surfing 🏄‍♂️
  15. Chancellor of Chillaxation 🧘‍♂️
  16. Guru of TV Guide Navigation 📺
  17. Professor of Procrastination Studies 🎓
  18. Grandmaster of Binge-Watching 📺
  19. Specialist in Serial Snacking 🍕
  20. Maestro of Maximum Coziness 🛌
  21. Doctor of Do-Nothingology 🎓

Reality Distortion Engineer

  1. I manipulate time so Mondays feel like Fridays and vice versa. ⏰
  2. I convince the universe that deadlines are merely suggestions. 📅
  3. I specialize in making coffee taste like productivity. ☕
  4. My job is to ensure that every meeting feels like a surprise party. 🎉
  5. I warp reality to make the impossible seem mundane and the mundane seem impossible. 🌀
  6. I'm in charge of turning chaos into organized chaos. 🌪️
  7. My role involves convincing spreadsheets to do the Macarena. 💃🕺
  8. I make sure every day is an adventure, whether you like it or not. 🌟
  9. I'm responsible for translating corporate jargon into plain English... or Klingon. 🪐
  10. I specialize in making procrastination look like strategic planning. 📝
  11. My job is to turn Murphy's Law into Murphy's Meh. 🤷‍♂️
  12. I'm the architect of serendipity in the workplace. 🏢
  13. I make sure that every project has just the right amount of drama. 🎭
  14. I'm the master of making excuses sound like solutions. 🤔
  15. My role involves convincing computers to have a sense of humor. 🖥️😂
  16. I'm the conductor of the chaos orchestra. 🎻🎶
  17. I specialize in making Mondays feel like mini-vacations. 🏖️
  18. My job is to make sure that impossible is just a suggestion. 💡
  19. I'm in charge of turning stress into a spectator sport. 🏟️
  20. I'm the maestro of multitasking madness. 🎼
  21. I make sure that every problem comes with a complimentary silver lining. ☁️🌈

Hobby Collector

  1. I collect vintage chewing gum wrappers because, you know, someday they might be worth millions. 💰
  2. My hobby is collecting dust bunnies under the bed. It's quite the thriving community down there. 🐰
  3. I'm an expert in accumulating unread emails. It's a skill, really. 📧
  4. Oh, I specialize in acquiring mismatched socks. My laundry room is like a treasure trove. 🧦
  5. My hobby is cataloging all the different shapes my potato chips come in. It's surprisingly diverse. 🥔
  6. I collect empty ice cream containers. It's like a mini museum of past indulgences. 🍨
  7. My hobby is accumulating half-used notebooks. You never know when you might need a fresh start. 📓
  8. I'm a connoisseur of expired coupons. You wouldn't believe the hidden gems you find. 💸
  9. I collect fortune cookie fortunes. They're like little nuggets of wisdom... or confusion. 🥠
  10. My passion is amassing quirky kitchen gadgets that I'll probably never use. 🍴
  11. I'm a collector of broken dreams and shattered expectations. It's a delicate art form, really. 💔
  12. My hobby is gathering colorful leaves in the fall and then forgetting about them until spring. 🍁
  13. I collect unusual-shaped pasta. It's like an edible art gallery. 🍝
  14. I specialize in hoarding hotel toiletries. You never know when you might need that tiny shampoo bottle. 🧴
  15. My hobby is accumulating empty wine bottles. It's a testament to my refined taste... or perhaps my liver's resilience. 🍷
  16. I collect strange-shaped rocks. You'd be surprised at the geological wonders out there. 🪨
  17. I'm an avid collector of plastic grocery bags. They're like modern-day relics. 🛍️
  18. My passion is accumulating unread books. It's like having a personal library of intentions. 📚
  19. I collect mismatched buttons. You never know when you might need a spare. 🧵
  20. I'm a collector of quirky socks. My feet have never been happier... or more stylish. 🧦
  21. My hobby is amassing expired condiment packets. You never know when you might need that extra ketchup from 2005. 🍅

So, when someone throws the age-old What do you do? question at you, toss them a curveball.

Let them marvel at the grandeur of being a Hobby Collector.

It's certainly more colorful than their 9-to-5 job.

And remember, there's no such thing as too many hobbies, just not enough time!

Professional Daydreamer

  1. I'm a professional cloud watcher ☁️
  2. I specialize in chair testing (it's harder than it looks!) 💺
  3. Official cat whisperer (cats dig my vibes) 🐱
  4. Chief nap strategist (napping is an art form, you know) 😴
  5. I'm a professional procrastinator (I'll get back to you on that... eventually) ⏳
  6. Supreme tea connoisseur (I take my tea very seriously) 🍵
  7. Expert bubble wrap popper (it's surprisingly therapeutic) 🎈
  8. Professional unicorn wrangler (it's a rare skill) 🦄
  9. Chief Netflix binge-watcher (it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it) 📺
  10. Official doodle artist for doodle emergencies 🎨
  11. Professional pillow fluffer (everyone deserves a fluffy pillow) 💤
  12. Certified daydreamer (I have a Ph.D. in staring into space) 🌌
  13. I'm a professional listener (I hear you... sometimes) 👂
  14. Chief banana peel slip tester (safety first!) 🍌
  15. Expert in finding the perfect GIF for any situation 🖼️
  16. Official cloud counter (you'd be surprised how many clouds there are) ☁️
  17. Chief blanket fort architect (my forts are legendary) 🏰
  18. Professional pun generator (I've got puns for days) 🤣
  19. Certified procrastination consultant (I'll help you procrastinate like a pro) ⏰
  20. Supreme snack taste tester (someone's gotta make sure the snacks are up to par) 🍿
  21. Chief expert in the art of doing absolutely nothing (it's harder than it sounds) 🛋️

So, the next time someone asks you What do you do?, don't hesitate to announce yourself as a Professional Daydreamer.

Watch them look perplexed as they try to figure out if that's an actual job.

But hey, who cares? You'll probably be too busy daydreaming about the look on their faces.

Master of Unfinished Projects

  1. Professional Procrastinator Extraordinaire 😏
  2. Chief Executive Officer of Half-Baked Ideas 🤷‍♂️
  3. Supreme Commander of the Procrastination Brigade 🚀
  4. Grand Master of the Incomplete Symphony Orchestra 🎻
  5. Head Honcho of Almost-Finished Ventures 🏆
  6. President of the Society of Unfinished Business 🎩
  7. Director of the Department of Delayed Gratification 📅
  8. Captain of the Ship That Never Quite Sails ⛵
  9. Chancellor of the Unfinished Manuscripts Guild 📚
  10. CEO of Almost There, Inc. 🏢
  11. Emperor of Almost Conquered Projects 🏰
  12. Mayor of the Land of Good Intentions 🌟
  13. CEO of the I'll Do It Tomorrow Corporation 📆
  14. Chief Architect of the Future Achievements Blueprint 📐
  15. Director of the Bureau of Unfinished Canvases 🎨
  16. Head of the Coming Soon Task Force 🎬
  17. Dean of the College of Almost Achievements 🎓
  18. Founder and CEO of the Procrastinator's Paradise Foundation 🏝️
  19. Chairman of the Procrastination Olympics Committee 🏅
  20. Overlord of the Realm of Unfulfilled Dreams 💭
  21. Grand Poobah of the Unfinished Projects Union 🎭

So, when the clichéd What do you do? rears its head, let them know you're a Master of Unfinished Projects.

And don't forget to leave them hanging...

just like those unfinished projects of yours.

Thanks for reading! 167 (Sarcastic And) Funny Answers To “What Do You Do?” you can check out on google.

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